I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
