Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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