Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
