Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
