swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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