if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well I just put wine in my tea
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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