you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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