i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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