I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
