I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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