we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
