I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
