I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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