My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
