It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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