Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He? As in you personified your dick?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
