I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
