why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
