I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
