I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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