I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
