I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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