All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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