you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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