I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Randomize
