i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
