Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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