1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
