I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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