I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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