I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
