I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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