Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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