Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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