I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
