Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
