Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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