my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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