i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
