anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
