he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
