I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
