i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
