okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
