I cannot find my penis.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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