i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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