My liver just broke up with me...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
