it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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