I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
