eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
