I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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