So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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