apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We were destined to go to rehab together
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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