I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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