She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
