she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
